somewhere to go
by closingdoors
Summary: A Castle/Beckett baby fic. "He'll never lie and say that he didn't picture it sometimes, Kate with a swollen stomach, glowing. He knows she's imagined it too. He's seen the deep flush of her cheeks late at night when he catches her daydreaming." Cover art by houghtonsbeckett. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**somewhere to go**

_She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go,_  
_She couldn't scream while I held her close,_  
_I swore I'd never let her go._  
- Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine, The Killers

**Warning: Themes that some readers will find distressing. Disclaimer: I tried eBay. Couldn't buy the rights on there. Note to all readers: This does get better. At some point. Probably.  
**

**Big hug to Aisling for making the cover art even though all I ever do is hurt her with my fic in return.  
**

* * *

The pain in her stomach had started up the day before.

Even now, sitting by her bedside in the hospital, studying the pale and breathtakingly frail lines of her, he can't help remembering. He needs to reassure himself that she's okay. That she's still here. That she's not gone yet. And though she's here and she's alive and she's still healthy, it doesn't mean he can't remember; it doesn't mean he'll ever forget.

He should've noticed. He was a fool not to.

She'd gone to bed last night claiming stomach cramps, telling him it was 'that time of the month' as a way to fend him off when he'd attempted to soothe her with his hands and tongue and teeth. All day she'd been off, really. He'd noticed her wincing throughout the day, one hand cupping her stomach when she thought he wasn't looking.

Even just thinking of it now makes him ache deep down to his bones. He should've done more. Why hadn't he paid attention to her?

She'd woken him up at 3am with trembling hands and heavy sobs, telling him she was so very, very afraid. His sleepy hands had caught her wrists as she'd looked him in the eyes and said "I'm bleeding too much, Castle. There's so much, oh God, oh God-"

Her eyes had rolled back into her head and with terrified hands he'd caught her, cradling her fragile body in his arms as he carried her through his study and towards the living room, screaming for his mother because he had no idea what else to do. Leaving their blood-soaked bed sheets behind. He hadn't noticed them until he'd ran back into his bedroom for his cell.

His mother had cradled Kate's skull in her palm, stroking fingers across her arms, murmuring "Oh, Darling" over and over again. He thinks he remembers yelling at her, begging her to do something, anything. Because she was his mother and she was supposed to _look after him _and in that moment he was nothing but a terrified little boy who needed his mother to be there for him, to be there for Kate, to tell him that everything was going to be okay even if it was just another lie. But Martha had ignored his pleas, simply hushing Kate as her eyes rolled and she appeared to come around for just one moment. Useless.

(So was he. He still is.)

In his own hand, he feels Kate's fingers twitch, watches as her eyelids flutter and finally, take in the sight of the hospital room she's in.

He wishes he were a child again, making his wishes on the seeds of dandelions floating away in the wind. That innocence. That ease. He envies the young for it.

"Castle?" Kate croaks, making him crush her fingers in his, desperate.

"You're gonna be okay, Kate."

She swallows thickly, head lolling weakly in his direction so she can turn her eyes on him. "What happened? Why- Why am I in hospital?"

The words clog the back of his throat with tears, leaving him vulnerable.

Kate lifts her head slightly, noting his tears, trepidation consuming her. "Castle, what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you." He almost trips over his words in an attempt to soothe her.

"Castle." She grits out, something like her strong heart filling her eyes. "Why am I in a hospital?"

He can't look at her. He looks anywhere but her eyes. Down to their entwined hands, their last connection to one another amidst the torrential tsunami of pain.

"You had a miscarriage, Kate." He whispers softly.

Her fingers tighten in his grip immediately, a startled laugh that sounds something like a caged animal tumbling from the prison of her chest. Reflexively, he looks up at her, heart pounding angrily in his ears as he tries to find a reason as to why she's finding any form of humour in this situation.

"Castle, I wasn't- I wasn't ever pregnant." Kate tells him, as if it's a ludicrous suggestion.

"Kate." He murmurs, stroking her knuckles.

"But I- I would've _noticed_." She insists, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "God, Castle, if I were pregnant with our child I would've _known_."

"You were four weeks along, Kate." He tells her, already grieving. "You wouldn't have been able to tell for a few more weeks."

"But I-" Kate chokes on her words, grief leaking from her eyes in the form of tears as she begins to tremble beneath his touch. "Castle. I…"

"I know, Kate. I know."

"I was pregnant." She says it, dumbfounded, and the use of past tense makes him shiver.

He watches as her crying eyes turn away from his and she looks down at her stomach, hands slipping from his grip as she rests them low on her abdomen. Where a new life once was. Their child. _Theirs. _They'd not discussed children, nor marriage, nor her even moving in with him to the loft and officially becoming part of his family; but he'll never lie and say that he didn't picture it sometimes, Kate with a swollen stomach, glowing. He knows she's imagined it too. He's seen the deep flush of her cheeks late at night when he catches her daydreaming. He knows her. He always has.

The last words of Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the first practical telephone, were "No" when his wife pleaded "Don't leave me."

Now, Castle looks towards Kate, and in her eyes he can see the precise moment she loses herself.

So he reaches out and tucks her into his arms, even though she is rigid with shock, even though her tears wet his shirt, even though she shies away from his touch.

"I'm here," he tells her, "I'm here. I love you."

* * *

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**somewhere to go**

**Response to this was overwhelming. Thanks, guys. But just remember: It's always darkest before the dawn.**

* * *

Kate's hand is pale and trembling in his.

He helps her from the wheelchair once they reach the exit doors of the hospital, thanking the orderly out of politeness because she doesn't, instead she clenches her jaw and hangs onto his hand as though it's the only thing keeping her cluttered thoughts in order; the tell-tale redness of her cheeks telling him that she's embarrassed about being wheeled out. Perhaps that's why she refuses to look him in the eye. Or maybe she's ashamed. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything right now, for his thoughts are swirling sickly in his mind and he's not quite sure how to make his feet carry him towards the taxi.

"Castle," Kate murmurs weakly as they approach the taxi anyway, "I want to go to my place."

"I'll come with you."

"No." Her answer is blunt, immediate. "I-I need to be alone right now."

"I think company would-"

"Castle, if I wanted company, I would come home. I _need_ to be alone. Please just give me this." She turns her empty eyes to his as she climbs into the back of the car, making his heart ache deep down.

At any other time than this, he would probably be fighting a smile at her distinction between her apartment and home, with him. He'd probably tease her about it later, with his lips on her skin, and she'd roll her eyes and deny she ever said such a thing but they'd both know that she was lying.

But it's not any other time. Right now he just feels empty. He wants her to come home with him, he needs someone to hold him. Someone to tell him that things will work themselves out. Someone to tell him how to get rid of the gaping hole left in his heart after recent events, after this tragedy has occurred between them. Someone to tell him how to sew his heart back into one piece.

"You know what?" He says, "I'm gonna walk home."

She rolls her eyes, catching his wrist as he takes a step back. "Castle, don't be ridiculous, you can't possibly walk back to your loft from here."

"I need time to think." He tells her. "I'll… I'll see you soon."

"I'm not running away." Her voice is strong, resolute as she looks him in the eye, stroking her thumb along his pulse point and making him shiver. He stares back into those eyes and notes that they are not strong like her voice, just like her body; a pale, weak imitation of what she once used to be.

He regrets the words even as he's saying them, lifting her hands so that his lips brush across her palm as he speaks. "Yeah, you are."

And then he turns and walks away.

* * *

Her apartment is quiet and lonely when she arrives home. The clink of her keys echoes through the room as she places them on the kitchen island.

She bends over, dropping her head into her hands as she places her elbows on the wood of the furniture. Takes a deep breath. In and out. In and out. And repeat. Just go through the motions. Tomorrow will be easier. Tomorrow will be kinder. It needs to be.

Kate wanders through her apartment and to her room, sprawling out onto her bed as though the comfort of her mattress can take this pain away. It doesn't.

Her fingers are seeking for his warmth despite the knowledge that he isn't there. Fist in the vacant sheets and then release with an aching sigh. She wants him there. But she doesn't want him to see her like this: weak and confused and more than anything, angry. More angry than she felt when she thought she was going to die at Maddox's hands, the day after she and Castle had first gotten together. She just feels cheated. Cheated out of a future she hadn't even been aware that she was given a chance to have.

She rolls onto her back and places a hand onto her stomach, wondering. Would it have been better to have known beforehand? Would it have made the ugly truth easier to swallow? She doesn't suppose that it would've, perhaps getting her hopes up and then having them all taken away would've lead to more tears.

It doesn't make any of this easier, though. This isn't easy.

Without thinking, she stands from the bed and strips all of her clothes, standing before her full-length mirror. Takes in the curves and lines of her naked body, hands roaming to her abdomen in a strange feeling of wonder. A life was here once. A life was here last night. That life is no longer here.

She turns to the side and tries to imagine her flat stomach growing; growing and growing to fit a child. Their child. Hers and Castle's. She's thought about it, once or twice, late at night when he whispers his love for her. She'd never thought it'd be so soon, she hasn't even been able to get the words _I Love You _out yet, but she thinks that they could've made it.

Is that what she wants? A child? With him?

"Yes."

The word is all she knows.

Yes, she wants that, more than anything.

She stares at her hands on her stomach once again. _There is no life in there_, she tells herself, _you lost it, you must have done something wrong. _

But she doesn't feel empty. Shouldn't she feel empty? She just feels overwhelmingly angry. She doesn't know who to feel angry at, though. This isn't anyone's fault but her own.

And then her knees are buckling out beneath her and she's on the floor, the tears coming hard and fast as she watches her own reflection fall to pieces, hands cradling her fragile, empty stomach.

"It's gone." She sobs aloud. "All gone, Kate. Move on."

Her hands only curl tighter.

* * *

He climbs the stairs to the loft instead of taking the elevator.

His clothes are soaked. It had begun raining halfway through his walk, and he hadn't cared for a single second, instead walked amongst the crowds of New York and tried to remember how to forget pain. He's done it so many times before.

As soon as he opens his front door, aching and exhausted, his mother is before him, dragging him into a tight hug. "Richard." She breathes into his ear, saying nothing more.

His arms wind around his mother, allowing himself to be comforted for one moment.

They pull apart after a short silence, Martha smiling at him and reaching up to wipe something away from his cheek. Huh. Is he crying?

"Alexis is here," his mother tells him, "I thought you could use the company."

Castle closes his eyes, breathing slow and steady, grateful. "Thank you."

He attempts to move past her but she catches his arm, frowning. "Where is Katherine?"

He swallows the pain.

Remembers to breathe.

It rises again.

Forgets how to function.

"She went home."

"And you let her?" Martha's eyebrows almost disappear beneath her hair.

He clenches his jaw. "She didn't exactly give me a chance to persuade her."

Martha releases him with a heavy sigh. Castle attempts a smile at her but imagines it's more of a grimace, so he moves past her to where he finds Alexis waiting for him in the kitchen, two tubs of ice cream sitting before her and spoons in hand. Whilst his daughter may have moved out now, all grown up and off to college, some things will never change. He feels something disjointed settling into place in his lungs at that. At least he has this. He has his daughter.

"Hi, pumpkin." He murmurs, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

She grips his coat in her fingers, sad blue eyes watching his. "I'm sorry, Dad."

He shrugs, shedding his soaked coat and throwing it onto the counter without giving a damn. He'll clear the mess up later. At least it will give him something to do later, something to keep his mind off of this.

"Nothing for you to be sorry for."

Alexis sighs, handing him a spoon, and together they sit and eat the ice cream in silence.

He watches the clock as he does- It's 1pm now, such a long and hard day already- wondering where Kate is right now, how she's doing, if she's in any measure of pain. The doctors had given her some painkillers in case she'd suffered any physical pain afterwards, but he doesn't think she'll use them if she does get any. So independent. So stubborn. (So selfish.)

"Were you guys… Trying?" Alexis' quiet voice breaks their silence, curious.

Castle stares down at his ice cream, stomach suddenly feeling extremely sick. "No."

"Does that make it any easier?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

He opens his mouth to speak but then bile is rising so rapidly he doesn't even have time to mutter 'excuse me' to Alexis, instead pushes off of the stool and races to his room. Before he knows it, he's on his knees in his bathroom, puking his guts out into the toilet and almost everything else except for the drowning emptiness.

At some point between his heaves, he feels gentle fingers on his back, soothing him.

"Go away, mother." He manages to choke out, but she doesn't move

"You need someone right now, Richard."

"I need Kate." He whines, because she's the only one that he supposes would understand right now. "I need her, Mother."

Martha is quiet as he leans back from the toilet after flushing it, head falling back onto the bath tub. Tears leak from his eyes and scald his skin before he's even aware of it, and his mother simply sits opposite him, hands clasping his.

"You and Kate will get through this, Richard." She tells him. "I promise."

The tears only burn more.

"A baby, mother." He sobs. "She- She was gonna have a baby, our baby, and we didn't even get a god damn chance."

"I know, Richard. I know."

"She would've been such a great mom. She- She would've been so…" He can't speak, it gets trapped somewhere, mind forgetting how to talk and instead being filled to the brim of images of a chubby baby with his eyes and her stubborn streak, almost swallowing him whole with grief.

His mind races for a word to explain how he feels, sifting through his extensive vocabulary before settling on: Empty.

Yes, that's it.

He just feels so empty.

* * *

Through her tears, Kate finds her cell phone, eyes trying to focus on what flashes on the screen but failing.

There's several missed calls from Esposito and Ryan, she thinks she sees. A couple texts that ask her where she is, why she hasn't turned up for work today, that Gates is on the warpath because she hasn't rung in and neither she or Castle are answering their phones.

Kate swallows back a sob but it escapes anyway as the reality of the situation hits her.

She feels motionless. She doesn't know how to cope with the pain.

But the world continues spinning on its axis anyway, without warning her, without her consent at all.

Her trembling fingers find the contact that she's looking for, the only person that she can ever depend on, the one she loves in her own girly, adoring way.

"Hello?" He answers on first call.

"Daddy." The word escapes her roughly, making her body jerk as she curls into a ball on the wooden floor.

"Katie? What's wrong? What is it?"

"I need you." She tells him, trying to brush away her tears but the attempt is futile, her eyes just conjure more. "Daddy, I need you."

* * *

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**somewhere to go**

******A thousand times over, thank you for your kind comments. I hope that this chapter does not disappoint.**

* * *

Martha heaves him from the bathroom floor despite his protests, despite his weak hands pushing her away. Tucks him into his bed as though he's a child, stroking her aged fingers across his cheek and presses a kiss to his forehead.

"Mother." He mumbles, "It's one in the afternoon."

"And what a day it's been."

"I can't sleep now; I need to go find Kate. She's probably- I don't know, freaking out." He mutters, attempting to unwrap himself from the cocoon of blankets that his mother has made for him, but she simply pushes him back down, sighing.

"Richard, Katherine is strong, you know that, and fiercely independent. Now, I'm not saying that she doesn't need you, of course nobody necessarily wants to be alone in times like this. But," Martha pauses, quirking a smile, "she's fragile right now. And so are you. You two have a history of acting, quite frankly, like bulls in a china shop when you are in such a state."

Castle swallows thickly, fear hidden in the depths of his eyes.

"Kate and I, we can't have any more secrets from each other. Everything fell apart before because of them before, we need honesty-"

"I'm not saying don't go to her, of course not, you two kids need to sit down and talk about where you want to go from here. I'm just saying not _now_."

"I love her, Mother." He whimpers pathetically into his pillow. It smells like laundry. Who has washed it? God, who had been the one to take the blood covered sheets-

"I know, kiddo."

He's asleep before she's out of the room, dreaming of Kate with a swollen stomach, hand reaching out to place his on her skin as her eyes glitter with tears and he feels the flutter of their child kicking beneath his palm.

* * *

Kate drags one of Rick's tops over her head, a ratty old thing he sleeps in sometimes, lifting it to her nose and screwing her eyes shut tight to combat the tears as the smell of him wraps around her completely. Distracts herself from his overwhelming absence by grabbing a pair of leggings and pulling them on, hair pulled haphazardly from her face in a messy bun.

She heads into her bathroom and grabs her make-up wipes, wiping tear track by tear track away. Stares at her reflection in the mirror, pale and weak, red puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks. She looks heartbroken.

Perhaps that's how she describes the pain. It's stupid and it's cliché, but she is heartbroken nonetheless.

A buzzing on her door interrupts her morbid thoughts, so she shoves the makeup wipes into the trashcan and answers the door to her father.

"Katie." He murmurs, instantly picking up on her slouched shoulders, her fragile appearance.

"Dad. Come in." Her voice is quiet, rough from all the crying.

Jim Beckett steps into her silent apartment, watching as she closes the door as though it consumes all of her effort, leaning weakly against it for a moment before pushing off. Without asking any questions, he pulls her into a tight hug, heart aching for his daughter already.

Kate swallows back another round of tears she feels rise as she's pulled into her father's warm embrace. Tries to melt into him and seek comfort but the pain is so overwhelming she can't relax completely, even with her head resting on his shoulder, listening to the steady sound of her father's breathing opposing the erratic pace of her own.

"You want to talk about it?" He whispers, rubbing her back soothingly.

"I don't even know where to start." She says, but she's already leading him over to the couch.

She sits across the couch from him, out of reach, arms hooked over her knees and head resting against them, staring at the floor. Trying to find the words to explain the situation. The anger. The heartbreak. How terrifyingly cheated out of life she suddenly feels.

"I just got home from hospital." She says, picking at a thread on her leggings.

In the corner of her eye, she watches her father lean forwards, elbows resting on his legs as he watches her carefully.

"Why were you in hospital?" He asks her quietly, patient as ever.

"I was admitted."

"You were…" He clears his throat, frown lines deepening. She continues to stare at the floor. "Is there something wrong, Katie? Something I- I need to be made aware of?"

Her eyes are filling with tears again without her permission. Uselessly, she wipes them away with the back of her hand, face flushing with anger or embarrassment or something in between, she has no idea, no idea any more.

"It's over now." Kate murmurs, finally lifting her gaze from the floor, turning her crying eyes to her concerned father. Her voice is quiet when she speaks, nothing like her usual bravery, a little girl terrified lacing through her tone, "I- I had a miscarriage, daddy."

Instantly, her Dad is shuffling closer to her, murmuring "Oh, Katie" over and over again, arm around her shoulders as he presses a kiss to the crown of her head and she sobs into his chest. She wants the tears to stop. So much. Shouldn't she be all cried out by now? Shouldn't she feel empty now? But she can't stop grieving, can't stop over thinking it, analysing every last detail. Can't stop imagining a baby boy with bright blue eyes. Castle's eyes.

Her father holds her as she sobs and says nothing to even try to stop her, nothing to tell her everything will be okay. She's always respected that in her father. His honesty. Even when he was too deep in drink, he knew about it, he knew what he was doing to his body and he knew what he was doing to her. There are many faults to him, but his honesty is not one of them.

Eventually, her sobs quieten to soft sniffles, and she groans in embarrassment, "I got your shirt wet, dad."

"It's okay, Katie. I don't mind." He says, quirking a smile when she pulls away and looks at him.

She bites her lips and wonders what to say now. What is there to say?

"Did you… Did you know? That you were pregnant?"

Kate looks up at her Dad and studies the curiosity in his eyes. It goes further than this event, she knows. Remembers the teases of 'no boyfriend until you're 30, Katie, and no kids until you're 40; I'm too young to be a granddad before that' when her mother were alive and she was a fifteen year old girl, groaning into her cereal whilst getting ready for school. Even after her mother had been murdered, even when she'd joined the force and her father had sought comfort in the bottom of a bottle, that sparkle, that tease, that natural hope for a grandchild was still there. Still is.

_Look what you've done, _her mind taunts her, _not only have you hurt Castle by losing his child but you've hurt your father too; that was his grandchild. _

"No." She answers him eventually, watching the light dim in his eyes. "No, I didn't know."

"So you and Rick weren't…?"

Kate blushes bright red, because that's a conversation she and Castle are yet to have, and she most definitely does not want to have it with her father first.

"No, we weren't- We weren't purposely trying, no."

"Oh. I see."

Kate looks away , down at the floor, away from the grief in his eyes.

"I was four weeks along." She murmurs. "For four weeks, I was carrying a child, there was- there was a _life growing _inside me, Daddy. For four weeks I was pregnant and I didn't know. And now I'm- Now I'm just… Not."

Jim squeezes the arm he has around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Katie."

"It's not your fault. It's mine."

He stills against her, pulling away slightly to stare directly into her eyes. She can't hold his gaze. That lawyer gaze he has, slowly trying to extract information from her, to seek the truth. Just like she does in her interrogations.

"Katie, this isn't your fault."

And that's when it all comes pouring out. That's when the dam surrounding her heart breaks in two.

"Not my _fault? _Dad, you know what I do for a living. There's no way that all that stress was good for the baby in any way, not to mention my God damn _coffee_ addiction, because you know that caffeine isn't good for the baby, and then last week with Castle's surprise party and I had to argue with him and be grabbed by this guy and be held at knifepoint, and I knew it was all an act but still my _adrenaline_-"

"Katie!" Her father cries, surprising her. He places his hands on each of her shoulders, dipping down to look into her doleful eyes. "Katie, this isn't your fault. I know that it's devastating and that you're going to think of anything you could've done to prevent it, believe me, I know from experience when you were shot."

She blushes again. "Dad, that's nothing like-"

"My point is that this is just something that happens sometimes, and there's no explanation for it, and it's not anybody's fault, and there was nothing you could've done to stop it. You just have to learn to accept it, and begin to move on from here." At the hesitance written across her features, he asks, "What did Rick say?"

Kate shrugs, feeling ashamed at her actions. "We didn't really talk. I-I sent him away, I guess. Like I always do." She sighs guiltily.

"That man loves you, Katie. And I know you love him." Jim says, standing from her couch, hands in his pockets as he smiles kindly at her. "Talk. You'll work it out, I promise."

He leans down to kiss her forehead and she catches the sleeve of his jacket, whispering "I want a family with him, daddy."

He smiles, eyes twinkling with that light she wishes she had. "Tell him that, then."

It's not that easy, she thinks, the words on the tip of her tongue.

But then her father squeezes her hand and leaves her alone with her thoughts once more.

* * *

"Daddy?"

Castle opens one eye to find his daughter crouched at his bedside, red hair almost gold in the light of the sunset filtering in through his windows. Glowing. His heart tightens at that. His daughter is so beautiful.

He sighs, resting a hand on her cheek and silently stares at her, drinking in the lines of her face that show the amazing, intelligent young woman that Alexis has become. His baby is all grown up now. It would've been good to have another chance, to do things right, to not be the useless single parent like he was with her, a chance at a family with Kate.

And there it is again, that punch in the gut, the bitter taste of emptiness. All he could have had.

"Grams and I have Thai food in the kitchen. There's some for you, if you want it."

Kate loves Thai food.

Sighing heavily, he heaves himself from the bed, squeezing Alexis's hand as she smiles at him and leaves the room once more. He hesitates in following her, just for a second, instead roots around in one of his drawers and finds the shirt of his that Kate had hijacked months ago. Sleeps in it almost every night. Brings it close to his nose and with a relieved sigh he finds that it still smells of her, almost as though she's right here with him.

Food first. And then Kate. She'll probably need more time, anyway.

He seats himself on one of the stools surrounding the island, and stares at the vast array of food before him. It's all his and Kate's favourites, he notes.

Martha and Alexis act as though nothing is different, as though they haven't adapted their meal choices for him and the non- appearing guest that should be sat in the empty stool beside him. He can't help but feel so grateful for that. He doesn't think he can stand any more pitiful looks.

But the moment he raises even a mere noodle to his lips, the smell makes him queasy immediately, so he sets the food down and simply watches his daughter and mother interact with one another instead. He's missed this, after all. As much as he jibes his mother for living with him, and as proud as he is that his daughter is in college, he's missed having his family around him. Peas in a pod. There's just one missing.

"Richard?"

He snaps from his trance at the sound of his mother's voice, looking up to find her watching him knowingly.

"Yes?"

"Katherine's here."

He almost falls off of his stool in his haste to rush to the door as Kate steps in, key in hand, watery smile aimed towards him. God, has she always been so breathtakingly beautiful?

"Hey, Castle." Her voice is weary as she stands before him, both of them awkwardly stood in the doorway.

"Kate." He breathes, reaching out and snagging her hand in his. "I- We have some Thai food here, your favourite, if you feel like-"

"Actually, I was wondering, could we talk?" Kate whispers the words, staring down at her hand clasped in his.

"Oh, of course, sure." Since when has he been such a rambling idiot?

He makes a move to step back into the loft but her hand tugs him back to the doorway, body close to hers. A slight rosy blush settles across her cheeks. That same blush she gets when he says something overwhelmingly cliché but sweet when they're alone.

"Actually, could we- Could we go up to the roof?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, whatever you want." He rambles, watching her roll her eyes.

"C'mon, Castle." She says as she pulls him out the door, exasperatedly.

But as she does, her thumb tenderly brushes across his knuckles, saying almost as much as her hopeful hazel eyes do.

* * *

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Somewhere to go**

**Because she's absolutely perfect, Aisling made a fanmix for this fic. You can find the download link on my profile, but beware: it will make you want to rip your heart out of your chest afterwards.**

* * *

Kate leans against the rails with a sigh, watching the orange haze that falls over the city as the sun sets, dropping his hand to reach up and button her coat against the bitter winds so high up on the rooftop. He watches her, shivering slightly, but he doesn't really care about the temperature right now. He just cares about her, and the emptiness he can see lingering in the corner of her eyes, and the way that her fingers tremble so infinitesimally that he almost misses it, but nonetheless, they tremble.

In the breeze, her hair falls around her shoulders haphazardly, looking damp. Has she just showered?

He takes a step forward, hand reaching out of its own accord to grab that one strand of hair that refuses to simply stay still like the rest of it. Tenderly, he tucks the strand behind her ear, thumb brushing across her pulse point as he does.

Kate allows him to but says nothing about the act, hands shoving into her pockets, teeth nibbling away at her lower lip.

"Do you think I would've been a good mom?"

The question is quiet and her lips barely move, so tiny in fact that he startles forwards, frowning, absolutely certain that he didn't hear her right. But then her empty eyes turn to him, and they're not quite as empty as he had first thought. The emptiness is there, the onslaught of grief that perhaps will never be forgotten, but within those eyes he also finds a sparkle of hope. She stares at him as though she desperately needs his answer, seeking his own eyes, as though she needs his permission.

"Yeah, Kate." He manages to heave out eventually. "I-I think you would've been the best."

Relief flickers across her face like an open flame, her shoulders dropping slightly as she drops even more against the railings. So close to the edge. He wants to tell her to take a step back, wants to ask her how she can stand so close to the edge of a building when just under a year ago he had almost lost her when she had fallen.

But his mind is preoccupied, racing through his own secret imaginings, the could've been. Her swollen stomach, fighting over baby names, sweaty and exhausted after labour, tiny fingers wrapping around hers, the exhausted smile every parents wears when they climb into bed at 5 in the morning after yet another restless night.

He swallows thickly. "W-Would you have kept it? If you'd known?"

Kate's brows furrow, and she looks down at her hands, picking at a nail nervously.

"I know that my work hours make things difficult. I know that there's a chance I might not come home one day. I know I'm not the person I want to be yet. But I think we… we would've made things work. We always do, don't we?"

He shuffles closer to her nervously, wondering how that complex mind of hers works as tears well in her eyes.

"Castle…" Her voice is rough and she doesn't wipe the tears away as they begin to fall. "Why do I love a child I never even knew existed?"

Castle stills, breath caught in his lungs. "Oh, Kate."

His arms reach for her but she steps away, jaw clenching as she looks away. "Castle, I was pregnant with our kid for four weeks. Four weeks and I didn't know. I- I didn't- I can't-"

The trembling in her fingers is overwhelming now and she turns away, fingers curling around the railings as she grits her teeth. Tries to breathe through the pain even though the pain controls her lungs. He reaches for her like a blind man seeking the sun but she shrugs his hands away, shaking her head at him.

"No, I-I need to be the strong one, Castle."

Castle grasps her arm, forcing her to look at him. "You don't always need to be the strong one, dammit, let _me _be the-"

"No!" She cries, tugging her arm from his grip and stumbling backwards. "I'm tired of you always giving and I- Dammit just let me- Please." She sobs, pressing her hands into her eyes and taking several more deep breaths.

He doesn't want her to be the strong one because Kate doesn't quite seem to know the difference between being strong and being alone.

He doesn't want her to be alone.

Dammit, _he _doesn't want to be alone.

"I spoke to my dad earlier. He made me see sense of certain things." She says quietly, wiping at her tears. "I wasn't trying to push you away earlier, Castle. I was shocked and I was grieving- and I still am- but I… Castle, I blamed myself."

He takes a step towards her again, needing to be close. "Kate, how could you…"

Kate holds a hand up towards him, shaking her head and blowing out bated breath.

"I know that it's not, I guess. My dad set me straight on that one. But I-I just want you to know that I wasn't running away. I refuse to run away, not now. Not when…"

"When what?" He prompts, frowning.

"Castle, I've never loved anyone so much as I love you."

The words are free from the confine of her chest like birds, fluttering wide and free.

"Kate."

The ferocity of her words set his heart ablaze with passion.

"I know that we're not really… Well, we are serious, of course this, us, is serious but…" Kate bites her lip. "We've never discussed anything future-wise and I know that you're trying to not scare me off, but Castle, I need to know what _you _want."

She stands there on the roof, in the gentle breeze, with the sun setting behind her, hair ablaze and saying all these words that make his heart constrict tightly in his chest, and he doesn't quite know how to respond.

"What- What I want?"

"Yeah, Castle. What you want. From this, from us."

"From us? I- I just want _us, _Kate, I don't see what you…"

"Oh." Kate's voice is quiet, meek. "Oh, okay."

Kate curls her arms around herself, tightly, as though she's her own anchor. Independent as ever. Hazel eyes staring down at the ground.

"So you didn't… I mean you didn't want to have… Kids? It… It worked out well for you that… That this happened?"

Didn't want-

Oh.

_Oh._

"Kate, I didn't mean- God, I didn't mean it like _that._" He splutters, desperate.

Kate purses her lips, looking up at him curiously, hopeful. "You… Didn't?"

"I didn't…" He runs a hand down his weary face, chuckling. "We really need to work on our communication skills."

Tentatively, he takes another step towards her so that they're simply an arm's length apart from one another. The breeze picks up and once again that arrogant piece of hair sticks up, so he reaches up and once again tucks it behind her ear. She giggles at that, spreading a rosy tint across her cheeks as she tries to smother it by biting down on her lower lip. Doesn't bat his hand away. Allows him to draw closer to her and press his forehead against hers, sighing.

"You know as a kid, I always wanted the whole white picket fence and two point five children thing. Swore to myself that my kids would never be fatherless. And Alexis wasn't, but her mother was absent, if you could call it that. So I gave up on that dream." He feels her melt into him just that little bit more, hands raising to wrap around his forearms. "And then I met you and I fell in love with you and I knew that things wouldn't be as artificially perfect as I dreamt them to be, but I knew that whatever happened, no matter what, you'd make things perfect. We could have one kid or we could have seven and everything would still be just right. As long as I had you and you had me."

Kate's eyelashes flutter, wet and fat tears tangled in them. "Seven?" She chuckles softly. "You really think that I would have seven kids?"

"Well, it's all part of my evil plan to raise mad scientists in an effort to take over the world, but I'll explain that later."

Kate grins up at him, leaning in to give him a hesitant kiss. "Castle, I'm not saying that I'm gonna move in with you next week, or be pregnant in a month or… It's too soon. And it hurts too much. But I just… I want these things. Some day. I want these things with you."

Castle sighs, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. She's wearing sneakers so her head fits neatly under his chin, perfectly.

"I know." He says, pressing a kiss atop her head.

Her hands ball into fists on the small of his back, bunching into the fabric of his shirt. "It hurts, Castle. It hurts so much."

"I know." He says again.

And then he presses his face into her hair and breathes her in because she is alive, she is okay, and they still have a chance. And tomorrow will be easier, and tomorrow will make it hurt less.

But she's still hurting now. So is he. And with that thought in mind he tightens his grip on her waist and hoists her upwards, forcing her to wrap her legs around his hips and hold onto his neck tightly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from her. In any other situation the noise would be adorable.

"Castle- I'm not ready for-"

He chuckles. "Kate, you're exhausted, so am I. So we're gonna go downstairs and eat the Thai food my mother and daughter bought us, and then I'm gonna shower because quite frankly I stink, and then we're gonna sleep, okay?"

Kate sends a mock scowl in his direction even as he begins to carry her down the stairs towards his apartment. "You're an idiot." She says even as she rests her head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot."

"Don't try and be cute."

"You _love _me." He sings at her.

She swats his chest. "Shut up."

Miraculously, he manages to get the door to his loft open without hurting either of them. He closes the door behind him carefully with one foot, then approaches the kitchen area, where both his mother and daughter are still sat silently eating their dinner. Alexis blushes at the sight of the way he carries Kate.

"Oh, we-"

"Not what it looks like." He says, making Kate groan and hide her face in his neck. "She's tired."

Alexis blushes even more, ducking behind her red hair and nibbling on some moo shu pork.

Carefully, he sets Kate down on one of the island stools, who blushes furiously when she spots Martha and Alexis watching them both. She winces slightly, one hand pressing to her stomach.

"What's wrong?" He asks, hovering.

Kate shakes her head, pushing him away and towards a nearby stool. "Nothing. It just aches a little."

"Did you take any of the antibiotics the doctors gave you?"

"Castle, I don't need-"

"I'll go grab them from your apartment if you-"

Kate snags his sleeve, staring into his eyes. "I'm fine, Castle. I promise. It's not too bad, okay?"

"Kate…"

"Please, sit down? I-I just wanna eat… With my family." She blushes endlessly at that, but the sparkle in her eyes doesn't disappear.

He can sense Martha's and Alexis's eyes on the pair of them, so he sits down on the stool beside her, not for the first time in awe of her.

"Okay. Sure. Family." He says dumbly.

The emptiness in her eyes disappears for that one split moment, love spilling free as she smiles shyly and grabs one of the takeout boxes close to her.

And even though it's just for one split moment, it's enough to give him hope.

* * *

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**somewhere to go**

**Thank you for your kind words. Seriously.**

* * *

In her sleep, she almost looks peaceful.

There's a slight frown line barely evident lingering on the edges of her brow. She doesn't sleep well. She's woken two or three times, and he's been there for each time her startled hazel eyes open, hands reaching out to grip his as she simply drinks him in and he reassures her that everything will eventually be okay. He watches her relive the pain every time, swirling violently in her eyes until finally they close.

And then after three hours of fitful sleep on his part, he finally gives up on sleep and instead opts for watching over her.

His thumb brushes circles on her arms, soft and soothing as she begins to tremble again, meaningless syllables falling from her lips. The touch makes her melt back into dreams again even as her eyes flutter with the pain. Until, eventually, she fades back to a peaceful sleep. At least he can be of use here. At least he can do this.

"I love you." He whispers, watching the way her hair catches the morning rays of sun, her skin glowing. "I love you and I will never leave you."

Her eyes flutter once more, but then she turns, curling her body into his, one leg sliding between his as he allows one hand to settle softly on the small of her back.

He presses a kiss atop her head, smiling, and then-

"Ugh." She snorts as her alarm blares throughout the silent room, eyes fluttering open sleepily as she turns away from him to swat at her phone.

"What are you… Why do you have an alarm?" He asks, confused, as she rolls onto her back and turns her sleepy eyes on his.

"To… Wake me up?" She answers, rubbing at her eyes and groaning.

"Yeah, but why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you waking up at… Jesus, Kate, it's six in the morning." He points out, reading the glowing red letters from his digital clock.

Kate frowns at him, giving him a look as though all of this is supposed to be obvious. He doesn't understand. He just wanted, today, to spend some time with her and just _be. _Probably without leaving the bed because that would mean facing the real world when all he wants to do is hold her close and remember that the pain will go away and remember that someday the pain will not hurt so much, that it will be a dull ache in the back of his mind that will not ever be forgotten but will be knowledge he can cope with.

"Uh, so I can get ready for work, Castle." She says, groaning as she kicks away the sheets and begins to climb from the bed.

"For what? Kate. _Kate._" He grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the bed, making her huff in annoyance. "Why are you going to work?"

"Castle, I already took yesterday off without giving any reason and I haven't replied to any of Esposito and Ryan's texts. I'm surprised that Gates hasn't fired me and that Lanie isn't around here demanding to know why. And, to be honest, I'm still working on an excuse that works."

Kate attempts to move from the bed but he grips her around the waist and pulls her to him, her hand landing on his stomach with a loud slap as she falls into him with a quiet _oof, _glaring up at him, brows knitted together slightly. Confused.

"Kate, you're still… I just don't think you're in the right frame of mind right now to be going to work."

Kate pushes away from him, suddenly hostile. "You think I'm too weak to handle this?"

"No, no- I'm just saying you don't _have _to. Take the day off. Call in sick."

But Kate simply climbs from the bed before he can stop her, wandering over to the wardrobe where she leaves a few of her clothes. Pulls out a blouse as well as a pair of trousers without looking back at him.

"Castle, I can't take the day off, I can't call in sick. I still don't know what I'm going to tell Gates or the boys. I- I need to go in before I get in any more trouble. Besides, work will distract me from all of… This." She says, sweeping a hand at him before heading towards the en suite.

"Kate!" He calls, making her stop in the doorway with a huff. "Just call in sick, and tell them the truth. I know that you're still hurting: Emotionally and physically. Distracting yourself from it… You're only delaying the pain. It doesn't make it go away."

Fire burns in her eyes when she looks back over her shoulder at him, slowly rotating on the spot to turn to him, one hand still on the door handle.

"Y-You want me to tell my boss that the reason I didn't go in or call yesterday was because I miscarried _our _child?" She says, astounded.

He swallows the pain. Listens to the nervous thrum of his heart.

"Why lie? What's the… What's the point?"

"The _point?_" Kate advances on him, throwing her clothes onto the end of the bed as she places her hands on her hips. "The point is that I don't want _my _personal life to be the gossip of the precinct. I don't want to see _pity _in Gates's eyes and face the puppy dog looks from the boys as though they understand. I do _not _want this to be the way Gates finds out about our relationship, and the last thing I need right now is losing you at work because of the fact that I love you and I can't _help_ that, and neither do I want do."

His heart softens on the outside, and he shuffles over to where she stands by the bed, reaching up to pull her into the v of his legs. She hesitates slightly before stepping forwards, sighing, tears threatening her eyes.

"Kate… I don't think we can hide what we have from Gates anymore. Quite frankly, I don't think I _want _to. Last night… You said about a someday. A someday where we live together and we're married and have kids. How do you expect to hide that from Gates, Kate?"

Kate frowns at him as she swallows. Her way of holding the tears at bay. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't. Maybe I won't be able to be your partner anymore, and I'll do everything in my power to prevent that, but that doesn't mean you'll lose me. We'll always have us. Right?"

Kate ducks her head, hiding behind a layer of tousled hair. "I'm going into work, Castle." She murmurs, one hand reaching up to cup his cheek, thumb stroking his cheekbone as she stares into his eyes. "I'll tell Gates. I promise. But I'm not taking the day off."

He releases her with a sigh of defeat, anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach. But he doesn't say a thing.

He never says anything.

* * *

Kate steps off of the elevator and heads towards her desk, coffee cup in hand, one she'd grabbed on her way to work after stepping from the bathroom this morning to find Castle turned away from her on the bed, asleep. She hadn't been sure if he'd been tired or if it was his way of stating his disapproval about heading into work. Either way, she had left him, kissing him on the cheek before she left and running her hands through his hair for one moment. One moment where she was simply allowed to be a woman in love and that was that, intricacies of reality forgotten as she basked in the morning sunrise.

"Yo!" Esposito calls as she sets her coffee on the desk, looking up to find him and Ryan headed towards her. "Where have you been? Me and Ryan were worried."

"Oh," she says, "It's… Sorry for not answering, guys, I was just… Busy."

Esposito and Ryan almost seem hurt at her words, but she turns away, setting her bag down and glancing over to Gates' office, noting the woman rising from her chair. Uh oh.

"We almost headed over to your place to check you were okay. But Castle texted us last night to let us know you two were fine." Ryan tells her, making her frown. When had Castle texted them? She'd been by his side the whole night and hadn't noticed. "He didn't give us any more information than that, though."

"Yeah, I-"

"Detective Beckett. A word, if you can find the time." Gate calls as she stands in her doorway, arms crossed her torso and intimidating.

"Oh, I- Yes sir." She mumbles, walking away from Esposito and Ryan hurriedly.

Kate follows her captain into her office with her head hanging low, standing before her desk as Gates closes her door and rounds on her, standing behind her desk with every ounce of authority she has earned. Stares Kate down with what almost seems like a death glare. Kate swallows but doesn't look away.

"I assumed that you, of all of my detectives, would have the decency to call in if you ever just… Felt like taking the day off." Gates sneers, waving a hand almost sarcastically.

"Sir, I can explain-"

"Really? Because what would have been nice, Beckett, is an explanation _yesterday._ We have an open case, and I can't think of one reason that would mean you'd miss work yet stand here looking as fit as a fiddle the next day."

"Sir, it was… I know I should've called. But I wasn't… I wasn't thinking." She defends herself, nails digging into her palms as she feels the grief rising from her heart to her throat, threatening to spill free.

"Damn right you weren't." Gates growls. "Now, would you possibly care to inform me as to _why _you weren't here yesterday?"

Kate opens her mouth to speak but the words get trapped somewhere around her heart, wrapping around in a vice grip and squeezing. Leaving her breathless as she stands before her boss, mind blank and heavy with the weight of a life she'll never be given. Dammit, all this time she was pregnant and she hadn't known, all this time she'd spent in the precinct with the very same people and she had been pregnant and she _hadn't known._

"Well?"

Gates' harsh, cold voice snaps her back to reality, mouth beginning to form words before she even realizes she's doing so.

"Sir… I-I had a miscarriage. I- I went to hospital at 3am and I just…" Kate watches Gates' eyes go wide before they soften with pity, and she can't stand that, so she looks down at the ground and mumbles, "I had a miscarriage."

"Oh." Gates' voice is quiet, soft. "I see."

Kate fights the tears away, clenching her jaw before looking back up at her boss. Tries to be strong.

"I don't suppose I have to guess who the father was?"

_Was. _The word almost knocks her over.

She embraces the pain with a heavy sigh, because she doesn't know what else to do.

"I…"

"Oh, please, detective. You think they made me captain for no reason? I just felt it wasn't my business to intrude in what you and Mr Castle had. You remained professional, while Mr Castle never has been." Gates smiles, as though that makes the pain lessen. "I figured as long as this didn't interfere with how you behaved at work, I could let it be."

All of the air almost escapes her lungs right there. Gates knows. Gates knows and she hasn't kicked Castle out and Castle can still be here, beside her, her partner, as he is supposed to be, as he is always is supposed to be. She won't lose him. She can't lose him.

"I trust you won't allow these circumstances to meddle in how you do your job."

"No, sir." Kate mumbles.

Gates watches for a moment with all that overwhelming pity in her eyes and Kate can't stand it. Until finally, Gates removes her glasses from where they are perched on her nose, looking out the windows and into the bullpen. "If you wish to take some time off, detective, that would be completely understood."

"No, sir- I- I want to be here."

Translation: _I need to be here._

Gates sighs but doesn't comment. "And Mr Castle? Will he be coming in today?"

Kate almost stumbles over her words. "I don't know, sir."

Gates nods slowly, eyes roaming back to Kate. "Okay, Beckett. You can go."

Kate nods hastily, turning away from Gates and heading towards the door, in a state of disbelief that the meeting went so easily. Castle isn't being kicked out. She can still do her job. Gates knows. They don't have to hide anymore.

"Beckett?" Gates calls as she reaches the door, making her turn back slightly, watching as Gates sends her a sympathetic smile. "I'm truly sorry. For your loss."

_Loss._

She blinks against the onslaught of tears. "Thank you, sir." She responds automatically, closing the door behind her.

But before she heads back to her desk, she closes her eyes for just one moment, swallowing the word. Loss. Yes, it is a loss.

But that's what she is: She is lost.

And yet the world continues to move.


	6. Chapter 6

**somewhere to go**

**You guys put the biggest smile on my face. Thank you.** **Struggled a little with this one, but hopefully you like it all the same.**

* * *

She knows from the moment that Lanie texts her telling her to head on down to the morgue that she's in for it. Lanie is going to murder her and hide the body. She could probably do that, Kate muses with a smile.

The elevator doors open and she pockets her phone, thumb swiping across her background picture of herself and Castle skiing to lock it. Heads straight towards the morgue but not before taking a large, deep breath and stuffing both trembling hands into her pockets, trying to keep a straight face. Perhaps, she thinks, Lanie is _slightly_ more intimidating than Gates.

And then she walks in and Lanie's there, standing by their victim, scalpel in hand, eyes immediately snapping over to hers and narrowing and Kate is suddenly all too aware that there is no way she'll be able to keep a straight face with Lanie.

"Hey. You got something for me?" Kate asks, standing on the opposite side of the table to Lanie. Tries to go for an innocent look.

"Only if you've got somethin' for _me._" Lanie replies, arching an eyebrow.

Kate balls her hands into fists in her pockets. Tries not to let her emotions get the better of her as her best friend stares at her expectantly.

"Lanie, c'mon." She groans, looking down at the body. Cold and pale. Dead. Gone. Not coming back.

_(Like your baby). _

Kate shakes the thought away, pain oozing uncomfortably from her heart, looking back up at Lanie to find her watching Kate in disbelief.

"_C'mon?_ Kate Beckett, one of these days I am gonna kick your ass." Lanie tuts, placing her hands on her hips, eyes wide as she stares Kate down.

Kate visibly cringes under Lanie's intense stare. Sometimes, she's fairly certain that Lanie would have made one Hell of a detective. Perhaps it's better that she works with the dead, after all. She doesn't have the chance to scare the living daylights out of the living.

"Lanie-"

"Na-uh. You didn't even text me back. What kind of friend does that?" Lanie asks exasperatedly.

"I know, Lanie. And I'm sorry. I am." She adds when Lanie rolls her eyes. "But it was… It was a really long, really difficult day. I wasn't really thinking straight."

"Mmm-hmm." Lanie hums. "So, care to tell me why both you and loverboy were both missing yesterday? And, according to the boys, why he's not in today?"

"Loverboy?" Kate repeats, grinning. "What happened to writerboy?"

"Stop avoiding my questions." Lanie says, pointing her scalpel at Kate.

"Stop questioning me."

"Kate Beckett, I've got a scalpel and I am _not_ afraid to use it."

Lanie's eyes widen as she flares her nose, jabbing the scalpel in Kate's direction, eliciting a slight giggle from Kate as she steps back. Hands raised, palms-forward.

"Lanie." Kate practically sighs after her giggle, smile fading. "It's… It's really bad. I don't really _want _to talk about it."

"You don't ever wanna talk about anything. Doesn't mean it's not good for you."

"Lanie…"

"What? I'm right. Haven't you learned that I'm always right?"

Kate takes a step forwards, soft step the only noise in the silence as she clasps her hands before her, her hazel eyes fixed on them. If she looks at Lanie, she'll only break into tears and explain the whole damn thing and she doesn't want that. She just wants to put it behind her. She just wants to move on, because living with it hanging over her head all the time, being reminded of it with every breath of her lungs, doesn't seem all too much like moving on and neither does it sound happy. And if she can't move on, and she can't be happy, how on Earth is she supposed to give Castle the future that he wants with her? How is she supposed to have the future with Castle that she so desires?

"Are… Is everything between you and Castle okay?"

Kate quirks her lips, eyes watering. "We're fine."

"I just… He's not here today, and you took time off yesterday, and even though you two are the super couple and all, you're only human and I thought maybe-"

"God, no!" Kate cries, looking up at Lanie in shock. "You thought Castle and I were… Had broken up? How could- No. _No. _We're… A little closer and a little more optimistic than we used to be, actually."

Lanie tilts her head to the slightly, appraising her. "He offer you a ring?"

"Lanie!"

"What? He's been married twice and he _adores _you. It'd explain why he's not here, you'd run in the opposite direction."

She rolls her eyes. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I'm just sayin' that the guy knows what he wants and, while you love him in your own way, he's more upfront about it. Doesn't make you a bad person." Lanie soothes her, smiling. "Now, please tell me what's going on before I take out my anger on this dead body right here."

The tears start falling the moment she opens her mouth. "I had a miscarriage."

Lanie stills, mouth falling open in a small 'o'.

"Oh, sweetie."

Kate rubs at the stubborn tears that fall, half-laughing in a mixture of embarrassment and disbelief. Why won't the tears go away? She has cried enough. She has had enough of crying. She wants it all to be over.

"I was four weeks along and… I didn't know. I didn't know." Kate murmurs, sending a watery smile at Lanie when she reaches out and squeezes her arm comfortingly. "But… It's over now. I'm moving on."

"Honey, you're not doin' much movin' on if you still don't wanna talk about it. So much you wanna be at work."

"Why does me being at work have anything to do with not moving on?" Kate questions with a frown. "It shows that it's not affecting me in my daily life. I can cope."

"Just because you can cope, doesn't mean you've not been damaged, Kate." Lanie points out softly. "Why isn't Castle here?"

"He didn't… He didn't want me to come in." She admits quietly, running a hand through her hair, tasting salty tears on her lips. "We didn't exactly argue about it but I know he wasn't happy. But we're fine. We have to be. We always are."

"Kate…" Lanie sighs.

"I know, I know. I need to learn to 'talk more' or whatever." She says, poorly imitating her friend as she does. "But I'm all talked out. Castle and I spoke a lot last night about… About what we both want from this relationship and I'm not saying it's easy, but I just want to move on. I want to forget it as best as I can."

"You and Castle talked... But did you really listen to each other?"

Kate's eyes widen. "Excuse me?"

Lanie sighs in exasperation, setting her scalpel down on the table. "You said that he wasn't happy with you comin' in today. Why?"

Kate searches her mind for a reason. Draws up blank and feels her heart tumble clumsily over a beat in the cage of her chest. What was the reason? She's sure he must've explained it. At some point. Surely.

"I…"

"_Exactly_. Kate, I understand that you want a distraction. But nobody's gonna judge you for needin' some time off. You and Castle…" Lanie purses her lips, thinking for a moment, "You know that we all root for you. But being in a relationship and committing to that relationship are two different things."

Kate's mouth falls open in shock, tears dripping almost lazily from her eyes. How- How can Lanie stand right before her and say such things? How can she claim that Kate isn't committed to this relationship? She knows, in fact she's known it for a whole long time but it had always scared her before, that Castle is her one and done. 'The one' that everyone is supposed to find in the end. And they're not perfect but they're them and they're right and they're everything that she's ever wanted and more. There's no way she'd ever walk away from him now.

"I told him that I love him." She blurts out, as though she needs to prove herself.

A smile blossoms on Lanie's lips. "Then go home and prove it to him."

"It's only two o'clock and we've still got a case, I can't-"

"You can and you will. You're not the only detective in New York, girl."

"The boys-"

"Can cope without you. Now, go on, shoo." Lanie herds her towards the door, making Kate laugh as the tears dissolve on her cheeks.

"You said you had information on the case for me, I should really-"

"I'll call Javi about it. This information is gonna blow the case wide open, so he can deal with it, and if not, I'll make it up to him later." Lanie waggles her eyebrows at Kate before giving her a gentle push.

"Okay, okay. I'm going." Kate says, opening one of the doors.

She pauses for a moment, looking back over to her best friend, smiling. "Thank you."

Lanie shrugs. "I'm only helpin' out in the hopes you'll give me the hot, dirty details of your sex life."

"I didn't hear that!" She calls out, laughing, as she leaves.

* * *

When she arrives back at Castle's loft, the place is deathly silent. She strains her ears for the sound of Martha fluttering around upstairs but she can't hear a thing, and it appears that Alexis has now left because her coat is missing from the rack under the stairs. Huh. It bothers her that she didn't get to say goodbye to the young girl more than it probably should.

Kate hangs her coat up on the rack and kicks her heels off with a relieved sigh, mind tumbling with thoughts of how her relationship with Castle is so domestic now. And it doesn't bother her one bit. In fact, it makes her heart flutter like hummingbirds wings in her chest, a timid smile tugging on the corners of her lips.

She finds him in his office, typing quickly, brow furrowed in concentration, bathed in the lazy light of the afternoon. He almost seems ethereal as she watches him, even if he is still in his pajamas, even if the worry lines on his face are too prominent compared to how they were two days ago.

"Hey." She says softly, so as not to scare him, leaning on the door frame.

Castle startles slightly, eyes flicking up to her. "Hey." He says. "You're home early."

_Home._ The word makes her smile even when she feels lost in the dark.

"Yeah." She murmurs. "I'm home."

Castle nods, eyes looking at her but not really drinking her in, nor her words, because he instantly looks back down and begins typing again. Huh. Not the reaction she had been expecting. Then again, maybe she shouldn't have left in the first place. She's not been fair to him, after all.

"What're you writing?" She asks softly, heading towards him.

He shrugs, "Nothing much."

Kate rests her head on his shoulder, arms winding around his shoulders, reading the words as he types them, a warm glow in her stomach because as much as she loves him and as much as she hates him and as much of a child as he is; he is still her favourite author, the one who saved her when she was drowning, with his words and his thirst for justice for the victims in his books. And he doesn't even know it.

"You… Castle, why are you killing off Rook?" She asks, floundering in astonishment.

He grunts, but says nothing.

"Castle."

"One second."

"No." She growls, grabbing his chair and spinning him around to face her. "Castle, _why _are you killing Rook?"

Castle sighs, running a hand down his weary face, looking every year of his age, perhaps more. It pains her to see him so sad, so lost.

"I'm not doing it for… For the book. Sometimes, when things are going wrong in real life, I just… I just write." He explains shyly.

Kate stills, studying him curiously. "You… You just _write _about killing off one of the main characters in one of your books that's supposed to be _you?_"

Castle's eyes widen, a chuckle escaping him. "No, no, it's not like that. You think I'm-? No." He says, watching her relax instantly. "But normally when I feel down, something bad happens in my writing, a character gets killed or they hit a dead end in the case or just _something _happens. It reminds me that I'm not the only one that feels this way, I guess. It reminds me that these things happens every day and there's nothing we can do to stop it. We just move on. So I write it out and then, usually, I feel lighter. Free, almost."

Kate's heart almost stops still as she listens to his bittersweet ramblings. God, she really hasn't thought about how he's feeling, has she? All this time she's been pretending that she's thinking of them, their future, but she hasn't really thought about how he's doing _now. _Yes, she bears the heavy burden of losing a child, and yes, it wasn't his body and he'll never know that it feels like to be pregnant and then not be. But it was his baby too. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Kate sighs, settling herself down into his lap without warning him, mouth brushing his cheekbone.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asks softly, curling the fingers of her right hand around his ribs, feels the beat of his heart beneath it.

"That's the problem… I don't know what's left to say."

"But it feels like we should, right?" She settles a hand on the bottom of his neck as she speaks, thumb rubbing soothing circles into his skin. "Talk, I mean."

"I think that we said enough last night."

"Are you sure? Because we don't really have the greatest record when it comes to communicating with one another. Or am I the only one that remembers all that subtext?"

"No." He tells her, laughing. "No, you most certainly are not."

Kate hums slightly, resting her head on his shoulder, content in the cradle of his arms.

He always makes her feel so… Full. It's how she explains love to her mind when it doesn't understand what she feels in her heart. She's independent, he doesn't complete her, she doesn't _need _him per se, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want him around for the rest of her life.

Before she knew him, her heart was empty, cobwebs filling the cracks that were formed when her mother had died. And perhaps that had mostly been her fault, she had been the one to block people out, she had refused people all entry to her heart, her weakest side. But then he came along and dusted the cobwebs away and made her feel like she has swallowed the sun and the stars at the same time, brighter than any other known element on the planet, full with this magical zeal that she adores him for making her feel.

"I always imagined we'd have a boy." She confesses into the skin of his neck.

His arms tighten around her. "Kate."

"Maybe we'd have a girl second. But a boy first. There's too many girls in this house, after all. He'd have your eyes. So blue and charming and he'd have me wrapped around his little finger just because of them, even though we both know I'd never admit it."

Castle's eyes fall closed, breathing irregular, heart beating furiously beneath her palm. "Please, don't." He says.

But she continues anyway.

"You and I both know that we'd argue like crazy over baby names. You'd probably want something wacky while I'd want something traditional. Or, at least, something that won't give him a complex by the time he's in second grade." She laughs, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the racing pulse in his neck. "And the pregnancy, well, we'd be amazed we managed to get through it. I can be stubborn at the best of times, so I can only imagine what all those hormones and mood swings would cause. Though I don't suppose you'd complain about the increased sex drive."

Castle turns his face away, burying it into her hair. She sighs, but carries on. This is good. Communicating.

"Ryan and Esposito would argue about who'd be the better godfather. Lanie, obviously, would be as smug as Hell about it, because obviously Auntie Lanie would be godmother. You'd all spoil him rotten and _I'd _have to be the strict one. Not that there's any surprise in that."

She's silent for a moment, thinking. About the moments with their unborn child they'll never have. Possibilities of a future that may still come true if she so dares dream.

"I'd cut down my work hours. Spend a lot more time here, at home. Not because that would be expected, but because I don't want our kid to feel unloved. I know maybe he wouldn't, he'd have you as Mr Mom, but I'd do anything for you, for our child."

It's a long moment before Castle speaks. She keeps her head resting on his shoulder, tracing patterns into his neck, feeling him breathe through the pain. Counts the beats of his heart as she does. Reminding her that there is still time, there is still hope. There always has been, with him.

"You have a big heart."

Kate jerks slightly at his words, mouth opening to argue with him as soon as she registers what he's said.

"You do. You… You think that you come off as closed, as cold, but when you let people in… You have such a big heart, Kate, for those that you love. It astounds me."

She blushes furiously, watching as his eyes finally re-open and he stares at her, love clear in his light blue eyes. She can only imagine he sees the same in her own.

"I took today and tomorrow off of work." She tells him suddenly.

His facial expression doesn't change, but she hears him let out a long, slightly relieved sigh.

"What do you want to do on your time off?"

Kate presses her lips to his in a kiss so soft and sweet and achingly tender it steals her breath away, even if it only lasts for the smallest yet most precious of moments.

"Be here." She says, settling her head back on his shoulder. "I just want to be here with you."

Castle's smile almost splits his face in two. "Okay." He says hoarsely, eyes sparkling with tears. "Okay, we can do that."

She closes her eyes and memorises this perfect moment. Memorises him, the beating of his heart, the quiet sounds of his breathing, the way he holds her as though she is the only light amidst the darkness.

As though he's never loved another more than her.

* * *

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**somewhere to go**

**I cannot find the words to thank you all enough.**

* * *

They spend the rest of the day simply holding one another, breaking apart at one point to attempt to make dinner but simply end up wrapped up in each others arms again. Never speaking, simply listening to the gentle breaths of one another, her head resting on his shoulder, his arms anchoring her home.

At some point, Martha comes home and finds them, stretched out together on the couch. Their eyes are closed, Kate's face buried in Rick's shirt, his arms pulling their chests together, beating hearts against so close they could be mistaken for one heartbeat, legs twining together. Barely enough room for the pair of them.

She can't resist it. Martha leans down, pressing a kiss to her son's forehead.

"You did good, kiddo." She tells him in a whisper.

She turns to retire for the night, when she hears a quiet, hushed, "Yeah, he did."

* * *

The next morning Kate Beckett finds herself in their bed. She doesn't remember how she wound up there; the last she remembers is the hazy figure of Martha and the overwhelming smell of Castle surrounding her. Safe. Like he was her home. And he is. He is, he is, he is.

Her hands are seeking for him before her eyes open, sliding across the cold sheets and meeting nothing but the imprint of his body on the mattress. One of her eyes cracks open, finds that she is well and truly alone. Sitting up, she finds he's not even in the room, and her eyes almost fall out of their sockets when she notices that the time is 10am. She never sleeps in past 9am, even when she's exhausted.

Kate, eventually, finds him, standing by the stove in the kitchen, flipping pancakes. The anxiety gnawing away at her trembling heart fades away as she feels herself fighting a smile just at the sight of him.

"Hey." She says softly, padding towards him.

He glances over his shoulder at her. "Hey, go back to bed. I was making breakfast." He waves the spatula towards the pancakes.

Kate grins, leaning up on her toes to press a gentle kiss to his lips, hands fisting in his top for a moment as she clings to him. He stumbles slightly, almost surprised at her intensity with the feel of the soft slide of their lips against one another.

Kate pulls away first, thumb stroking across his cheekbone. "I wanna go somewhere today." She says.

The light in his eyes dims a little, but he puts on that gorgeous smile of his anyway, even if it doesn't quite meet his eyes as it normally does. Then he turns away, slipping from her arms, busying himself with the pancakes.

"Sure. Whatever you want." He mumbles almost petulantly.

Kate chuckles softly, hands wrapping around his wrists and pulling him away from his beloved pancakes. He turns to her with a huff, almost scowling. Sometimes she thinks she's in love with a child. Actually, scrap that, she's absolutely certain that she is.

"It won't take long." She tells him, "I wanna go to my Mom's grave."

Castle's demeanor changes instantly, pout disappearing as understanding lights the flecks of blue in his eyes.

"Oh. Oh, of course. You take as long as you like."

"Not on my own." She states, watching the way his eyes widen. "Come with me, Castle?"

She's not sure why it comes out as a question. She knows that he's supportive. She knows that he loves her. But it's not every day you invite your boyfriend along to your dead mother's grave.

"Kate." He says, lips quirking as though he doesn't know whether to smile or not. "Of course I'll come with you."

He leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead, hands dropping to her waist. She allows him this, for a moment.

Until the smell hits her nose.

"Castle. Pancakes!"

* * *

The path to her mother's grave is ever familiar to her feet, Castle stumbling along beside her, hand clasped in hers. He drinks in the graves around them, studying the trees that curl over the older graves, shielding them from sight- The glimmer of tears in Kate's eyes as she stops before the ever recognisable headstone. The way her hand trembles in his.

"Hi, Mom." She says, smiling as a blush spreads across her cheeks, as though she's embarrassed.

Kate says nothing more, simply stares at the headstone, eyes darting across the words. She has them recognised. Vincit Omnia Veritas. Truth conquers all.

Castle huddles closer to her slightly, bending down to whisper in her ear, "May I say hello to your Mom, Kate?"

She giggles, looking up at him and his ever sincere expression. "Sure, Castle."

Castle grins enthusiastically. Then he turns back to the headstone, taking a step forward and clearing his throat.

"Hello, Mrs Beckett, it's a pleasure to meet you. I know Kate has been hesitant about me meeting you, perhaps because she knows how much of a big fan you are, maybe worried I'd be able to squeeze little anecdotes about a young Kate obsessed with my books from you-"

"In your dreams, Castle." She says, rolling his eyes.

Castle doesn't even look back at her with a remark, simply carries on as though she's not breathed a word.

"Just to get some things out of the way though, as I imagine that your daughter is very much like you. Strong, determined, protective. So, three things. Firstly, I love your daughter more than… More than writing, more than words and everything they've ever meant to me. More than anything, I swear it."

Kate watches, tears welling in her eyes as he steals her breath away.

"Secondly, yeah, I do intend on marrying your daughter one day. I'll buy her the most outrageously gorgeous ring and she'll look even more stunning than my words can ever describe, and I'll be a complete blubbering mess at the altar. Don't worry, we'll leave a chair out for you. And then we'll grow old together, her gracefully as I wonder every day why she chose me."

Castle clears his throat, shifting his weight from one foot to another as Kate stands stuck still, hand stretching out to reach for him, just millimeters out of reach.

"Lastly, I promise that I will do everything in my power to keep her safe and love her for the rest of my life. If she'll let me, of course. Which I'm sure she will, she's helpless against my sparkling personality."

Kate finally remembers how to move her feet, taking two short steps forwards, hand fisting in his coat as she turns him around, tears streaming down her cheeks. Castle simply smiles down at her as though this is an everyday event, as though this is no big deal, reaching up to wipe her tears away with the pad of his thumbs. Her mouth falls open a few times but there's nothing she can do but stare at him in awe, so overwhelmingly in love with him that she's certain it will end her.

"Castle." She finds his name, finally. "Castle, I love you so much."

"I know. I love you too." He murmurs.

She can't resist any longer. Her hands slide around his neck and drag him down to her, their lips meeting halfway as she rises up on her toes. Her mouth sears against his with burning desire, mapping her love for him with her tongue as it twines with his, his hands settling on her hips and flexing slightly. She arches into his touch, a sob or a moan escaping her lips, she's not quite sure which one. But her tears and her pain and her grief are forgotten as she succumbs to the trembling beat of her loving heart.

"Kate." He gasps when they break apart for air. "Not in front of your Mom, jeez."

"I don't care." She growls, lips already lunging for his again, tugging on his lower lip with her teeth. "I don't care. Let her see."

_I'm happy, Mom._

* * *

When they return home from their emotionally-charged trip, Kate encourages him to go back to writing.

"No." He whines. "I wanna spend this day with you."

"I see that look in your eyes, Castle." Kate says, hanging her coat under the stairs. "You're distracted. Go on, go write."

"Yeah, but…" Castle cocks his head to one side, studying her. "What will you do?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "This is my home too, Castle, I know how to entertain myself."

She doesn't register the words until they slip from her mouth and it's too late to take them back. A blush spreads across her cheeks as Castle's jaw drops, watching her in awe and love and all the in between.

"Catching flies, Castle." She says, tapping his chin, laughing.

He catches her wrist. "This could be your home too, you know. I mean… Officially." He says with more severity than she's ever known, eyes boring into hers.

Kate's throat bobs. "I…"

He releases her wrist. "Think about it. I'll go write."

She watches him go with a war raging in her mind.

* * *

He writes through most of the day and into the beginning of the evening, and she busies herself with watching rubbish television, beats his high scores on the wii purely to annoy him, and also cooks them dinner. She feels comfortable in the kitchen, she realizes as she cooks. She feels comfortable everywhere in this loft. When had that happened?

She doesn't question it. Instead, Kate dishes their dinner and moves into his study, finding him immersing himself in writing, eyes darting about the screen as his fingers move faster than hers are capable of.

"Hey, writer boy."

"Man."

"Excuse me?"

"Writer man. I thought we'd agreed on this one."

Kate chuckles. "Well then, writer man. Dinner's ready."

Castle finishes the last sentence he's writing before standing, following her out into the kitchen. "What did you order?"

Kate smirks over her shoulder as she stops before their food. "I didn't order in."

Castle's jaw drops once again, taking in the sight of the lasagne that she'd cooked. Nothing special, she knows, but as she watches him a small sparkle of awe glimmers in his eyes. A kind of hope that she's never seen there before. It makes her feel warm all over, cheeks flushing with pride.

"You cooked."

"I did."

She sits, and motions for him to follow. He simply takes another step forward, watching her warily.

"Is this to do with what I said about moving in?"

Kate chuckles. "Sit down, Castle."

This time he finally does, bumping his knee on the table nervously, laughing awkwardly. She rolls her eyes at her childish boyfriend and his obvious fishing.

"It's got nothing to do with what you said earlier, Castle. You were writing and we both needed to eat so I cooked. But," she picks up her knife and fork and begins to dissect her food into edible portions, "I do want to talk to you about that."

"You're saying no, aren't you?" Castle whines sullenly.

Kate sighs, placing her knife and fork down. Looks like she can't eat and have this serious conversation with him at the same time.

"Are you asking me to move in with you because that's what you wanted, or are you asking me because you're still panicking over the… the miscarriage?" She asks bluntly, getting straight to the point.

His eyes go wide. "Excuse me?"

"I know we've had this discussion about what we both want from this relationship. I know that you want to marry me and maybe have kids and yeah, I want that too. But you've never even hinted that you wanted this before all this happened. So… Is it one of those 'life is too short' moments, or did you mean it?" She asks, biting down on her lower lip nervously.

Castle's silent for a moment, completely stone-faced. Her heart thunders furiously in her chest, afraid she's pushed too far, but glad that she had the guts to do it. They shy away from these kind of conversations all too often in their relationship, reverting back to their own sarcasm and jokes to prevent themselves from having to practically lay everything naked before the other.

But then Castle picks up his fork, smiling. "I love you, Kate."

He takes a bit of the lasagne and she patiently waits for him, teeth digging so harshly into her bottom lip she's afraid she'll draw blood.

"I love you and this is something I want. Something I've wanted for quite some time. I'm not going to pressure you into it, but I want you here. I want this to be your home. I want to crawl in to bed every night with you and wake up beside you and that smile of yours. I want you to feel a part of my family, Kate. I want you to be proud about making dinner. I want you to be able to entertain yourself while I'm writing. I want you to feel safe and secure and welcome here. So, the offer's there, if you want it."

Tears clog in the back of her throat as she watches him nervously play with his food, eyes turned down and away from her, as though he's afraid of her answer.

"Yes."

The word is crystal clear. Resolute.

His head snaps back up, eyes meeting hers as a slow smile stretches across his face. "Yeah?"

"I'll move in with you. So long as you promise to come into work with me tomorrow. After all, we're still partners, right?"

Castle grins wider than she's ever witnessed. "Yeah. Yeah, we are."

His hand snakes across the table to rest over hers, and she giggles like a teenager on her first date, dizzy with happiness, embarrassing to all outsiders.

She doesn't care. So long as he's the one she's with.

* * *

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**somewhere to go**

**Sorry for such a long wait. I've been pretty busy recently, and the time that I did find to write, I wound up writing a oneshot named 'whirr and chime' instead. Thank you for being patient.**

* * *

Over the course of the next week, she, slowly, moves into his apartment. Her clothes mingle with his in the closet and her make up clutters the cabinet. Some of her artwork makes it into his study. Her silverware in a drawer with his. It sends a thrill up her spine to see parts of her old home mingling with the new. With the permanent. There is no doubt in her mind that she is here for their own always.

Martha and Alexis welcome the change with open arms. Kate had thought that Alexis would be slightly hesitant about it, as she was encroaching on Alexis's space now that she was at college. However the girl even returned home from college to help Kate sort her things through. In fact, Kate would even say that they had bonded.

* * *

_Alexis pulls a Richard Castle book from one of the two boxes Kate has dedicated for books. She studies the book, Hell Hath No Fury, tracing the spine with her finger. Almost inspecting it: its age, its smell, how well loved it is._

_"Where are you going to put these?" She asks curiously, indicating to the box. "Dad already has each copy of his books."_

_Kate turns to the girl after placing one of her framed photos of herself and her Dad on the table by the stairs, smiling as she turns. She speaks as she heads over to the girl, a glimmer of a secret in her eyes._

_"In his study, right next to his. Our first meeting will be right under his nose. I wonder how long it'll take him to notice." Kate muses, picking up another book, Naked Heat, and studying it lovingly._

_"Your first meeting?" Alexis repeats, frowning._

_Kate glances up to the doorway of Castle's study, finds that the man is safely out of hearing range, placing her other box of books onto his- **their** shelves in alphabetical order. Her nine year old on a sugar rush. She smiles wryly and takes a step closer to Alexis. Taps the cover of Hell Hath No Fury with one nail. _

_"Open it." She tells her._

_Alexis does as she's told, expression morphing from one of confusion to immeasurable wonder. Reaches up with one thumb and traces the worn ink of her father's signature. Her lips part as though she has something to say, but nothing comes out. No words could ever be as important as this moment, Kate confiding a secret in the young girl she's never told another soul. Watching the girl with anxious eyes, wondering what she must be thinking.  
_

_"I went after my mother died."_

_Alexis's head snaps up to look at Kate, blushing. "You don't have to- You don't owe me an explanation-"_

_"Of course I don't owe you an explanation. But I want to tell you." Kate smiles, gently setting Naked Heat down and taking Hell Hath No Fury from Alexis's hands. _

_"Okay." Alexis replies quietly, face blank. Kate can't tell what thoughts swirl behind those blue eyes of hers, an imitation of Castle's._

_"I'd been a detective for about three years when I went. I was so young. This book had been my mother's. This is her copy." Kate tells Alexis quietly, heart pitter-pattering in her chest. "I had the day off and I heard about it on my website. I thought, why not? He'd been my mother's favourite author. So I grabbed my book and waited in line for hours. He'd been a jerk then, smug with success."  
_

_A smile tugs at the corners of Alexis's lips, a soft chuckle freeing from the redhead. "Yeah, that sounds like him."_

_"I know he won't remember. We weren't a love at first sight couple. But all the same, I handed him my book and told him to make it out to Kate. I told him he'd been my mother's favourite author. He must've picked up on the past tense, because that's when he wrote the message. That... That smug asshole manage to pin me, even then."_

_"To Kate," Alexis repeats the words, "I hope you find the justice your sad eyes seek."_

_"Yeah." Kate murmurs, suddenly overwhelmed._

_She closes the book and closes her eyes. Presses it close to her chest, to her heart. Where he has always been. His words saved her then, he saves her now. She loves him all the more for it._

_"Will you ever tell him?"_

_Kate opens her eyes and finds Alexis's blue eyes free of judgement. Almost filled with awe as she studies her._

_"If he hasn't seen it by the time we're old and gray, I'll tell him. It's a nice secret to have, though." Kate says, thumb stroking the spine._

_She watches the way Alexis's eyes widen. "Old and gray?"  
_

_Kate's heart flutters nervously as she watches the young girl. It's been so hard to let Alexis know how commited she is to her father. Of course, Alexis has never been negative towards their relationship. But she's never exactly been Kate's number one fan. It's been hard to redeem herself, but she thinks that this may be the turning moment for them. That one chance in a lifetime that they're given to bond, the fork in the road._

_"Alexis..." Kate sets Hell Hath No Fury back down in the box, turning to face the girl. "I know that you haven't said anything outright, but I know that you've not always been my biggest fan."_

_Alexis blushes tomato red. "Beckett, I-"_

_"Kate. My name is Kate." Kate murmurs softly, watching the girls shoulders relax._

_"Kate, it wasn't... I wasn't anything personal but I-"_

_"He's your Dad. I understand. You'd every right to hate me." Kate nervously reaches out and squeezes the young girls shoulder. She doesn't shake it off. "But I... I really want you to know that I'm in this for the long haul. Maybe you think that I'm only moving in with him because of the miscarriage, and that did influence it, but I **want **this. And I have wanted this for a long time. I'm here to stay, so long as he'll have me. And if that's until our dying days, then I'll be happy. He's all I want, Alexis. And everything that comes with loving him. You, Martha... A future. Whatever happens, good or bad, I'm here for it."_

_Alexis is silent, and Kate fears for one moment that she's overstepped the mark. But then Alexis reaches out and hugs Kate tightly, almost too tight in her enthusiasm. Kate doesn't mind, simply lets the smile grow free as her arms wrap around the girls back.  
_

_"Thank you." Alexis whispers into her ear. "For being different from the others. Loving him."_

_Kate chuckles. "It's my pleasure."_

_"Now," she says as they pull apart, both smiling bashfully, "you promise to keep my secret?"_

_Alexis laughs. "Yeah. I promise. It'll be fun to rub it in his face that I knew all this time."_

* * *

"What are you smiling about?"

Kate's jolted from the reverie as Castle rests a hand on the small of her back, whispering his words into her ear. She startles so hard that she almost drops the plate she'd been washing into the sink.

Castle chuckles, arm wrapping around her waist, dropping a kiss to the curve where her neck meets her shoulder.

"Nothing, I'm just... Happy. To be here." Kate mumbles, biting her lip.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She breathes, almost spilling over with love.

Castle steps up closer behind her, lightly tracing his lips across her neck. Almost makes her dizzy when his lips graze her earlobe for a moment, holding back by just a small amount.

"Come to bed, Kate." He murmurs against her skin.

She blushes, placing the last plate she'd been washing on the side. "Your mother is right there. In the front room. She'll know what we're doing."

"So?" He almost laughs the word, hands tracing patterns through her skin and making her skin warm with arousal. "It's our home, Kate. She's just a freeloader."

Kate's heart thuds louder for different reasons. But she puts her brave face on and turns in his arms, managing what she hopes is a seductive smile. It's always worked on him before. If the darkening of his pupils are any way to judge, it seems that she hasn't lost her touch.

"Okay." She agrees, kissing him lightly, bumping her nose against his.

Castle grins and laces their fingers together, pulling them towards their room. She thinks she hears a distant call of goodnight towards his mother, but she can't hear anything clearly. The thunder of her heart is roaring in her ears, drowning out everything else.

He turns to her once they're alone in the sanctity of their room, fingertips brushing lightly over her cheek and making her shiver. He doesn't say anything, almost sombre in his touches, but they've never needed words in the first place. Gentle touches, tender looks, they have always been enough to make up the pattern of their love. Enough to fix her band-aid covered heart.

His hands slip from her cheek and graze her bare shoulder, left naked by the casual vest top she's wearing, slipping down her arm and raising goosebumps.

He's seducing her, and the thought makes tears prick her eyes. He's never been so slow, so gentle with her before. Of course, they've had wonderfully slow sex before, tender and full of love. But never anything that felt as though they were trying to mend each other. Never has he touched her as though he honestly believed that she may break.

His hands wrap around her waist, soft and sensual, tugging their hips together. She meets him without resistance, dazed, panic ebbing away in that one moment. She can do this. She can.

His mouth descends on hers and it's so soft and sweet her toes curl, one tear leaking from her eyes. Her arms reach up and wind around his neck, tugging him closer. She breathes in his life, his love for her, written in every line of his body. Tries to communicate how much she loves him with the talent of her tongue, nips of her teeth, speaking the only true language she knows: Love.

Kate's not sure how long they stand there, breathing one another in, simply content with the languid slide of their lips against one another without demanding more. But it's so beautiful that she could almost cry, and she does. Moisture collecting behind her closed eyelids and seeping out slowly.

And she thinks it's going okay, and for one moment she thinks she can handle this, until his hands reach to lift her shirt and his mouth disconnects from hers, attaching itself to her neck.

Suddenly, she jerks away from his arms, breathing harsh and eyes wide.

Castle stays still, watching her warily. "Kate?"

Her mouth is dry, she doesn't know how to summon words.

"Kate, are you-"

"I can't."

The words are meek and she curls her arms around herself, blinking harshly against the tears.

"You can't-"

"I thought I... It's been over a week, surely I should be able to cope with this-"

"Kate, you don't-"

"And I _want _to, God do I want you. But do you have any idea what it's like to be betrayed by your own body? To fear what will happen as a result of something beautiful that we do together? I always thought... I always thought it was like magic, us, together, and then this comes along. It's tainted me, Castle. I don't know how to free myself from it."

Castle takes a small step forward, hand reaching out for her. Like an offering. She swallows harshly and stares.

"Kate, it's okay. I understand."

"It's not." She says, shaking her head, curling her nails into her arms. "It's not okay, dammit, I just want- You want-"

"Kate, you don't... You don't _owe_ me." Castle tells her, taking another step forward and cupping her elbow with his palm. "Don't ever think that I... I'm not with you for that, dammit. I wouldn't ever pressure you into that if you're not ready."

He's so soft and understanding as he speaks. What has she ever done to deserve this man?

"Castle..." She whispers like a small child. "I'm scared that I'll never be ready again."

Castle's face crumbles and he's wrapping her up in a hug in an instant, cradling her as though she's precious and fragile. Maybe she is. That's how she's felt ever since it happened. Breakable. Weak. Just an echo, an imprint of the person that she used to be.

"Oh, Kate." He whispers into her hair. "It's okay. One day, this will all be okay. I promise you."

Her hands fist in the back of his shirt, turning her face into his chest. Breathes him in. So familiar. Her home. Everything.

"You can't promise that." She protests.

"I promise you." He says anyway, hands shaking as he holds her. "It will all be okay. I love you."

Her hands only tighten their hold. Too desperate to find hope that she forgets to tell him she loves him too.

* * *

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**somewhere to go**

**Apologies for a, once again, late update. Family problems. Hope this does not hinder the quality of this fic.**

* * *

**One Month later.**

* * *

His home has always been hers. All this time.

Yes, it's her home technically _now_. She moved in a whole month ago. Her clothes are in a closet with his and she makes dinner for them all sometimes. Her books have a place on his shelf, ready for her to take down and read at any time she likes. The extravagant bathtub is hers to lie down in after a hard day, surrounded by warmth and bubbles and more often than not, him. Just there to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, content to hold her, breathe her in.

It had started being her home before they became a couple, too. It had been long before that. But that was when she had started to notice it. When their skin was cooling as they lay beneath the sheets and she simply wandered away for a glass of water without any other thought. When her possessions began to move from her own house to his. Eating breakfast with his family on the rare mornings that she had off of work.

It had started years before. She doesn't know when. She'd turn up to his house in that first year and tell him that she couldn't understand the story. That she wanted to find her mother's killer. She'd needed a place to stay because her apartment had been blown up by a madman.

But now his home is hers as well, and it still makes her heart flip at the thought.

"I'll see you later." She says, leaning down to kiss Castle on the cheek as his fingers fly furiously across the keyboard.

"Mhm. Have fun. Call me if you get a body." He replies distractedly.

She chuckles, unable to resist tilting his face towards hers using her palm on his cheek to drop a kiss to his lips. Even though he responds, she can feel how distracted he is. She laughs against his lips, bumping their noses together.

"Sure." She says without meaning it. She knows that if she does call him he'll forget to come because he's so wrapped up with writing. She knows him.

Kate smiles fondly at him over her shoulder as she leaves, heart stumbling in her chest for one moment. One moment of pure undisguised joy.

* * *

"Hi, Daddy."

Jim Beckett stands from his seat in the diner, welcoming his daughter with open arms. She falls into them with a sigh, the smell of Old Spice already invading her senses. He has always smelt that way. It's familiar and comfortable and makes her smile.

"Katie." The elder man draws away from her, holding her at arms-length to study her. He smiles at whatever he finds there. "You're looking well."

"Thanks, Daddy."

Kate takes her usual seat across the table from him, easily accepting the mug of coffee that he pushes into her hands. It's warm against her chilled hands, red at the tips from the wind of New York. She lifts it to her lips, feeling the warmth spread through her, roots wrapping in her chest.

"I hope Rick wasn't offended when I told you not to bring him along." Jim says, watching her carefully.

"Well… He wasn't offended. Just confused." Kate sets her mug back down on the diner table. "But he's in writing mode, so he probably still hasn't noticed I've left."

Jim chuckles lightly, studying the light in his daughter's eyes when she speaks of Castle. Flecks of fire and hope amongst the once overwhelmingly sad green. Castle isn't a bad guy as it is, but the light he brings into his daughter's life is the reason that Jim likes him the most. They're good together. They always have been. Even after the first time they'd solved a case together and Kate had met him with suspiciously intrigued eyes, telling him about the 'smug jerk of a man' that had 'forced his way' onto her team.

"I had my reasons for not inviting him along, Katie."

Kate tilts her head to the side slightly, brows knitting together. "I thought you liked Castle, Dad."

"Oh, God no, you didn't possibly think…"

"Well, I just… It was a very specific request, I hadn't even mentioned bringing him along…"

"No, no. I didn't mean it like that at all. I like Rick. He's good for you." Jim assures her hurriedly, watching the blush stain his daughter's cheeks.

"Then… Then why didn't you want him to come along?" Kate asks, almost nervously, picking at a chip in her coffee mug.

"Well, I… I know it's been some time now, but I wanted to see how you were doing."

Kate's eyes flash up to meet his, curious. "I'm doing fine, Dad."

"I…" Jim rubs a hand across his face, scratching at the slight stubble gathering on his cheeks. "You moved in with Rick, which was great, and you're, as much as I hate it sometimes, a grown woman who can make her own choices. But… It…"

"You think we only did it because of the miscarriage." Kate says, cutting off his rambling.

Jim's eyes widen slightly and he looks down at his mug of coffee, almost in shame. Smiling a small amount, an embarrassed smile.

"I… I don't know if the two of you were really thinking in the long term when-"

"Daddy." Kate reaches out and places a hand on his arm, smiling. "I wanted this. Before. I just never had the guts to do anything about it. But now… Castle and I are closer. We're able to talk about what we want and this… This is something we both wanted."

Jim grins at her. "Well, I can't argue with that, I suppose."

Kate chuckles, releasing his arm from her grip and tucking her hand under chin, staring down into the swirl of her coffee. Plain. Castle likes to put hearts in hers. Wakes her up with them every morning, passes them to her like that in the precinct sometimes. Now that they can be open about their relationship in front of Gates.

She smiles at that. He's an idiot. A nine year old, conspiracy loving, sentimental romantic of an idiot.

But he's hers.

* * *

The call comes from Ryan just as she's leaving the diner with her Dad. So she hails a taxi and kisses her Dad on the cheek, already calling Castle as she slides into the back. He doesn't answer, so she leaves him a message with the address. He probably won't see it for hours. He gets like that when he writes.

The taxi drops her off at the place, a dodgy looking alley free of CCTV and apparently in one of the quieter areas of the city.

Ryan greets her by the tape, filling her in on the case before she even needs to ask.

"Her name's Melissa Jacobs, going by the details in her purse. She's an organ donor, 23, but other than that, that's all we know."

She and Ryan walk towards the body, hidden from their view by Lanie leaning over and inspecting something. But then Esposito steps out and stops Beckett where she stands, one hand gripping her arm tightly. She startles in surprise, stopping immediately.

"Espo?" She raises an eyebrow at him, noting Ryan doing the same.

"I… I don't think you wanna see this one, Beckett." Esposito says seriously, staring straight into her eyes.

Kate shrugs his hand away, giving him a strange look. "What's gotten into you?"

Ryan laughs. "She's seen dead people before, Esposito. You know she loves them weird."

Esposito shakes his head. "This is different, bro."

Kate shoves past him when he tries to block her once again. Esposito sighs but allows her to move on, watching her wearily. Kate feels the trepidation tumble in her heart as she approaches the body, wondering what could possibly be so bad that Esposito of all people had tried to protect her from. He's never tried to do that to her before, he's always respected her, even as a woman in a man's world. Never denied that she's as strong mentally as other detectives.

Lanie turns, noticing her approaching, and stands in front of the body. "Honey, maybe you shouldn't…"

Kate steps around her, and instantly wishes that she hadn't.

A young girl lies slumped against the wall, eyes still open, glassy. Blood stains her face, her clothes, all leaking from the hole in her head made by a gunshot. A big one. Large calibre. But it's not that, it's not the gore. She can cope with the gore. The blood, the violence, the way the young girl's glassy eyes almost seem to be watching her, calling for her help, probably the last thought on her mind before she died.

She's pregnant. A big, round belly. She couldn't have been more than weeks away from giving birth.

That won't happen now.

Kate propels backwards instantly, pressing a hand to her mouth and closing her eyes. The image burns itself onto her closed eyelids, bringing bile to her mouth. She tries to swallow it back down. She tries.

"Honey." Lanie's hands cup her elbows, turning her towards her. "Kate, you should go home."

Kate's eyes flutter open, hazily finding Lanie. The smell of death, of blood, infiltrates her senses. She closes them again. Block it out. She just needs to block it out.

"I told Esposito. I'm sorry, honey, but I wanted someone to warn you. You should… You should go home."

"I can do this." Kate protests weakly, hands curling into fists by her sides, eyes still closed.

"There's no point putting yourself through the trauma, honey. Nobody expects you to. Go home. Gates will understand." Lanie murmurs, hugging her tightly.

Kate can't find the words to argue so she nods mutely. Opens her eyes to take in the image one more time because she cannot just walk away. This girl, Melissa, deserves more than this. Her baby deserves more than this.

She turns away abruptly, forcing her legs to move, briskly walks past CSU and Ryan and Esposito and all the other officers and away from the young dead girl that's just lost her baby and her life just like Kate had lost hers once. She makes it out onto the street, away from the overwhelming smell of human decay, fresh air washing over her in a way that makes her uncomfortable.

Without further thought, she stumbles over to a nearby trashcan, knuckles white as she grips it tightly and empties her entire stomach contents into it. Retching over and over again until she feelings utterly empty.

She slumps down, exhausted, placing her head between her knees, breathing hard, fighting the tears. She can do this. She can walk away. She can forget.

She's been doing so well. She'd been… Moving on.

"Kate?"

Her head snaps up from between her knees, almost in disbelief when she hears his voice. But sure enough, Castle's standing before her, kneeling down with concerned blue eyes. Oh. Oh, God, she loves this man so much.

"Castle." She whispers, throat tight. Reaches out for him and traces his mouth as though he's not real. "What are you doing here?"

He holds up his phone, smiling. "I was just in the shower as I got your message."

She feels the air coming back to her lungs already, his presence giving her more than she'd ever be able to explain. She leans forwards, forehead pressing against his, nose brushing his. "I love you." She whispers, hand clutching the back of his neck. "I love you so much, Castle."

"I love you too." He whispers easily, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "What's wrong?"

"Pregnant girl. Shot." She murmurs, eyes closing as she breathes him in. "I wanna go home, Castle."

"Okay, Kate." He whispers softly, cupping her jaw with his palm. Safety floods through her veins. "Okay, we can go home."

She has never loved him more.

* * *

They lay together in their bed, his arms wrapped around her, her head tucked beneath his chin. She listens to his heartbeat in the silence. So precious. So alive.

They are alive. They have a future.

"Do you ever think that… That we can go a day without thinking about it?" She asks quietly, stroking his bicep softly. Whispers of a touch.

She listens to the rumble of his breath in his chest, the slow take in and the long haul out. Pondering quietly, in his way that he does when they're like this. The way that makes her wonder how his mind works, how he goes from nine year old on a sugar rush to philosopher in one moment.

"Things like this always stay with us." He says simply. "But that doesn't mean we can't move on and live. Apart from this, haven't you been feeling better these past few weeks?"

Kate sighs, burrowing into his chest. "I don't know. I suppose so."

He kisses her hairline, smiling. "Even on the worst days there's a possibility for joy."

"Don't quote things I've said." She laughs, lightly hitting him on the chest.

"It's true." He says, and her breath hitches as she rests her chin on his chest and sees the severity in his blue eyes. "There always is."

Kate blinks, once, twice, just drinking him in. Unable to believe that he's real, here, in her arms. That he's not a product of her imagination, this perfectly imperfect man. That he loves her just as much as she loves him. She is so undeserving of him. But nonetheless he is here and he is real and oh, she loves him. She does.

Kate raises herself on one elbow, dipping down to press her lips softly against his.

He responds in kind, hand cupping her cheek, thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. Gently. His mouth pliable beneath hers, following her lead.

Her mouth breaks away from his and she breathes softly, feeling his breath wash over her wet lips. Stares into his eyes, seeing the image of her own reflection within their depths.

"Kate." He whispers as she leans away from him and grabs the hem of her top. "Kate, you-"

She pulls the top over her head and watches the way his eyes involuntarily drop to her exposed skin, the chill of the air already effecting her. His hand reaches up and brushes against the scar between her breasts as they always do, and she finds herself choked for a moment. Drunk on him.

"I'm ready, Castle." She whispers, threading her fingers with his, thumb pressing against his wrist.

She can feel the thrum of his pulse beneath his fragile skin. Steady, reassuring. He is alive. They are alive. They have a future.

"Kate." He murmurs softly, sitting with her.

"Make me forget, Castle." She whines, their foreheads resting against one another, her heartbeat rapid beneath his palm. Nervous. Anticipating. Alive. "Love me. Please."

"Oh, God, Kate. Yes. I do. Always." He replies, capturing her mouth with his soundly, hands tracing fire everywhere that she is exposed, consuming her every thought, every sense, sending her into her far-flung dreams with his touch.

He whispers life into her skin.

And it is okay to breathe again.

* * *

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

**somewhere to go**

**Thank you all for supporting this small little fic of mine. I didn't expect it to attract so much attention. I love you all. Happy one year Caskett anniversary.**

* * *

**Ten months later.**

* * *

It's like learning how to walk.

Something that she knows should be easy. Walking is all about instinct. Young children do it.

But after being swept off of her feet by a gust of pain, it's hard to find her bearings again. Her hands can scrabble at the earth as madly as she wants. She can be as willing as she possibly can be to pull herself back up again. But it takes time.

One foot in front of the other. Don't run before you can walk.

The metaphor is a little extended, she thinks. But that's how the pain slowly and frustratingly ebbs away. Until one day she can open her eyes and anticipate the future rather than be swallowed whole by the past.

So that's why, when she lies beneath Castle one night, wrapped up in him, them, and he reaches for the drawer, she puts a hand on his wrist and stops him.

"I stopped taking my pill a week ago." She whispers, brushing her mouth against his cheekbone, foot rubbing up his calf.

He braces himself on his forearms above her, studying the flecks of fire in her eyes.

"Kate…"

"I love you." She whispers, hands reverently tracing his skin. "I love you, Castle."

He buries his face into her neck, tongue darting out to taste the skin there. "Didn't even give me a chance to give you a ring."

Kate chuckles, a retort dying on her tongue as he swallows her contagious laughter with his lips.

In this moment she thinks that he tastes like the heart he traces into her coffee each morning.

In this moment she thinks that he tastes like forever and always and

Everything.

Right here in her arms.

* * *

If he were to rate how much he hates Gina on a scale of one to ten, he'd rate it as fourty-seven.

He's hurrying through the streets of New York because today is the day. Today is the day that Kate is going to pull down three boxes they'd hidden in the back of the wardrobe and see what happens. Two weeks late. She is two weeks late and she's told him not to get his hopes up but how can he _not?_ Everything about this is so exciting. Makes his leg jiggle as he sits through the mundane meeting about the price of the next four book Nikki Heat deal that, in that moment, he doesn't really care about.

Finally, he bursts into the loft, finding her not waiting for him on the couch like she said she would. And he grins, frustrated and awed, because he knows. As much as she told him not to get his hopes up, he knows that she couldn't wait either.

He nervously approaches their bedroom, and that's where he finds her.

Kate sits in the middle of the bed, surrounded by three pregnancy tests. All positive.

Her eyes lift to his shyly, and he can't tell what she's thinking, because his writer's mind is already in overdrive.

Her hair is stunning in the orange sun of the winter afternoon, painting her in the warmth of the summer. She glows, practically oozes this warmth from every soft line, curve, swell of her. She looks ethereal. As though there are no endings to her nerves and she is a constant cycle of renewed vitality, immeasurable in her beauty. She looks as though she has swallowed the sun and it is smiling upon her with an incomprehensible level of awe- sheer awe at how one woman could hold so much life, so much hope, after so little to hold on to.

"Kate."

The edges of her lips soften, lines between her eyebrows lessening.

"Oh, Kate."

He sits on the edge of the bed, unmoving, watching her.

Kate's eyes fill with tears and she looks away, rubbing at the tears embarrassedly.

"I- I'm sorry." She murmurs when he studies her strangely. "I'm sorry. I should be happy. I am. I think."

The wings around his heart flutter hastily, knocking against his ribs. He wonders if she can hear.

"It's okay. It's okay to be confused." He tells her, sliding closer to her carefully. If he pushes too much she'll pull away. "Take your time to accept it."

Kate's eyes flutter as she fights against the tears, breathing in and out harshly. One of her hands seeks his and he holds on with all his might because he doesn't quite know what else to do.

Even her hand is so fragile.

He swipes a thumb across her wrist. He can see the veins, prominent. Currents of life.

They are _alive._

* * *

He holds her so preciously when she doesn't deserve to be held that way. She doesn't deserve to be comforted.

Kate slides her hands from his and slips from the bed, huffing. Paces, hands on her hips, frowning.

"I wanted this. I do- I… I _do _want this." She thinks aloud, pulling her lip between her teeth.

"But you're scared."

Kate hesitates, glancing over at him. He's watching her so patiently and understandingly that he makes it impossible for her to be annoyed at him for reading her mind. It's like she has no independency. No solitude.

But it makes it easy.

"God, yes." It all comes out in a rush then, spilling out of her like ink. "I mean, aren't you? Last time, we had no idea that this was happening. No idea until it was taken away from us for no reason whatsoever. And now we do know and we've planned this and God Castle I am _terrified. _What happens if things go wrong again? I can't handle that, Castle. I can't. I'm already- I'm terrified but I'm already so attached. I love our little person so much already and I can't go through with this completely and utterly terrified of something so stupid as eating something that could make things go wrong!"

She stands, chest heaving, eyes wide and cheeks wet. Alone. Watching him watching her.

But her heart feels freer than it did one minute ago.

Slowly, Castle rises, making no move to be closer to her. Outstretches one hand.

Swallowing, she steps forward, slipping her palm into his. No hesitation.

He squeezes her hand and smiles, tilting his head to the side. "You are remarkable. And extraordinary. And perhaps I've said the words so many times that they have lost your meaning, but you are."

Her lashes are wet as they flutter. She wets her lips, tasting salty tears on her tongue. "Castle." She's not sure if it's a plead or a request.

Castle tugs her closer, continuing his ramblings. "I wish you could see what I see."

He turns her so that they are facing the full-length mirror, and all she can see is the tear tracks on her cheeks, the terror in her eyes.

"Tell me what you see." She whispers.

He smiles into her neck, his hands wrapping around and settling on her stomach. Oh.

"I see an endless possibility. I am terrified, Kate. Every day, when you're at work, I'm terrified you're not going to come back home to me. But you're happy and you're doing what you love, and you know what? I wouldn't ever stop you. Your determination, your passion, it makes me love you more."

"Like you could stop me." She remarks dryly, staring at the reflection of his hands on her stomach.

"Kate, it's okay to be terrified. But do not let that stop you from enjoying the moment. Here is our possibility. Our little one is going to be the most loved, spoilt, protective kid there has ever been. You are going to love our kid so much it'll hurt me. Our little one will want to be just like you when they grow up. We are all going to be so happy together. And you are going to be the best Mom there has ever been."

She stares at him in a choked silence, awed. How is she ever supposed to amount to his words?

"That's what I see, Kate… That's what I see." He whispers, pressing a delicate kiss to the underside of her jaw.

The warmth starts where his hands are.

It floods through her bloodstream, seeping throughout her until she just feels so… So…

Full.

She is full.

And she can see it. Them. This.

Blue eyes and a cheeky grin just like him.

Stubborn just like her.

Her hands place themselves over Castle's and she looks up at their reflection, meeting his eyes with tears glittering in her own. Words flowing from her mouth and sounding foreign to her tongue but she is so, so happy she thinks that her heart has grown wings.

* * *

"Castle."

He leans closer to her, almost on his toes as his body presses against hers from behind, his cheek brushing hers. Leaning forwards with anticipation, listening to the hushed, excited tones of her voice.

Her smile stretches, wide, beyond anything his mind is ever capable of registering. He watches as stars are born, creation thrives and the universe bows to that smile, her reverent words somehow accommodating the shape. Her happiness.

She whispers it between heartbeats.

"We're gonna have a baby."

Everything ceases to exist but this. Them. Her.

A fragile new life beneath their twined hands.

Endless possibilities. Even on the worst days.

Laughter. Sticky fingers. Crinkles around her eyes when she smiles.

He is never letting go.

* * *

**The End.**


End file.
